Thai Musings 1 - Intolerant farangs

* 'farang' is the Thai word for any white-skinned foreigner

I was recently witness to one of those cringe-worthy episodes of farang behaviour. The nationality of the offender was not important as I believe this person to be representative of a large swathe of farangs impervious to cultural immersion and blinded by a false sense of self importance. The unfortunate event took place in an internet cafe. In Thailand internet cafes typically comprise one rectangular shaped room inside a shophouse. The floor is tiled to keep the place cool from the year-round heat, fixed to the walls are a couple of fans that barely cover half the area of the shop or if you are lucky enough to find one with aircon it either won't be turned on or else it will feel like you just stepped into a freezer. Computer terminals run down the length of each wall, the proprietors desk is at the at the back of the room and next to it a door leading through to another room with a toilet beneath the staircase that hasn’t been cleaned since the place was first built.

Add to the ambiance a few kids playing games and yelling loudly, the snails pace of the internet connection, staff that smile and nod their head when asked a question in English because they don’t have a clue what you’re on about and you have the perfect recipe for disaster. The fool in question, a twenty something male, was having hassles using Outlook express. Instead of accepting his fate and using an alternative mail program like Hotmail he began cursing “WHY?”, “WHY IS IT LIKE THIS?” and gesturing in the rudest way possible to the Thai staff for assistance.

A young Thai woman calmly wandered over and with her limited English tried to comprehend the gibberish uttered from the slab of meat in front of her. Arms flailing like a petulant sissy, the retard launched into a tirade about how the program wasn’t set up properly and the intricacies of proper network configuration. Perhaps realizing for the first time in his life that he was on another wave-length of communication with someone or maybe simply because she showed no signs of being impressed by his diatribe, he quickly reverted to the baby talk usually reserved for bargirls and their customers. When it became clear the message wasn’t getting through this mastermind reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out the last resort of the communicatively challenged – that’s right, he repeated exactly what he’d just said only in a louder more condescending fashion.

When he started up my first reaction was to hope that he would realize the futility of the situation and give up. As he continued into his autistic fit of self-indulgence, I felt a wave of embarrassment come over me and a desire to distance myself from the situation. Then I thought, why should I feel embarrassed? this fool doesn’t represent me. But that’s precisely the point, in the eyes of Thai people he does represent me, as a farang I am guilty by association. What can you do? pay your bill calmly, smile, say thankyou and leave hoping that Thais don’t stereotype us with the same frequency we do with them.

Those wacky Japanese

Just when you thought the Japanese couldn't possibly get any more repressed and introverted they've come up with this - the Sound Princess That's right, it appears a considerable portion of Japanese females are embarrased by the sounds emitted from their unusually close to the ground arseholes. But no, after conferring with a few females on the topic it appears women don't take dumps in public toilets - so it must be that slow trickling sound like an ambling stream that disgusts them so much. That's right Japanese females are embarrassed to let others know they are taking a piss. Thanks to the ingenious people at Toto Ltd., instead of being subjected to that dreadful sound of the woman in the next cubicle having a slash, you will hear the simulated sound of a toilet flushing.

But what happens when they've finished their horrible business? They have to flush again right? The only conceivable reason to flush the toilet twice is if you are confronted by one of those unsinkable turds that just refuses to go down and since we know women only lay cable in the privacy of their own homes what is a casual observer, unaware of Japansese toilet etiquette, to make of all this flushing? Probably that all Japanese women are bulimic or that they like the sound of running water - as if they can recreate the ambiance of a zen garden in the local loo.

It also begs the question what next? Since a normal bodily function has been deemed so embarrassing maybe the next step will be that you can pretend you don't go to the toliet at all. Simply replace the sign over the entrance to the toliet with something like 'Powder Room'. Then everyone can stroll confidently into the toilet, I mean powder room under the false pretence of applying some facial cream. Maybe it would give those Japanese with a penchant for elevating themselves above every other nationality another opportunity to support their claims of uniqueness. You can see it now, some senile old bureaucrat announcing that Japanese women don't go to the toilet, it's only those dirty foreign women who stoop to such levels.