Gyms

As a regular gym goer for many years and a keen observer of human behaviour I've come to recognize certain character traits peculiar to people that frequent such places. Below are just a few of the more obvious examples.

The pretender – this fool is easily recognizable in any field of sport or physical activity. The pretender is decked out with the latest gear and equipment. He believes, although deep down he knows it be false, that looking the part will make up for a lack of skill or ability. The pretender’s main objective is to draw attention to himself. If his fashionable apparel doesn’t do the trick the pretender will resort to a combination of ridiculous lurching movements and emitting loud sounds of exertion that bear no relationship to the type of exercises being performed.

The pretender’s main fear in the gym is actually undertaking physical activity. In fact he will do anything to avoid it whilst making every attempt to make it look like he’s doing something. His ploys at deception are easily identifiable to those who know what to look for – stretching muscles that aren’t even used for the exercise allegedly to be performed, continual adjustment of equipment and taking sips from his water bottle every 10 seconds precipitating regular trips to the bathroom. Upon his return, the routine of stretching, adjusting and sipping begins all over again with the result of nothing in the way of physical activity being accomplished - exactly what was intended. On the odd occasion that he attempts an exercise, for example bench press, the pretender in keeping with his image as an experienced athlete will pile on an impossibly heavy weight and then proceed to push out 1 possibly 2 repetitions. On completion the pretender will wear a well-practiced look of exhaustion on his face and look around eagerly for acknowledgement of his marvellous feat of strength.

The assimilator - closely related to the pretender but without the need to garner attention or exhibit the latest fashions. Like the pretender the assimilator also does his utmost to avoid any kind of physical activity but doesn’t even attempt to disguise the fact. Once in the gym he has a vague idea of what he should do but absolutely no inclination to do it. Committed to doing nothing the assimilator will plonk himself down adjacent to any person doing genuine exercise and just watch. It’s as if he feels that just by sitting in close proximity to someone performing an exercise that he is able to absorb the benefits of the activity as though he had done it himself. After an hour of vicariously experiencing a workout the assimilator returns home with a nagging feeling that nothing has really been achieved - strengthening his resolve to return for another strenuous workout.

The socializer – another close relative of the pretender - he shares the desire to avoid physical activity and to disguise the fact by engaging in conversations with everyone on the gym floor. Unlike the pretender his main aim is not to draw attention to himself but to deflect attention away from his idleness and at the same time bolster his image as 'one the boys'. The socializer will show up at the busiest times to ensure a steady flow of familiar faces with which to engage his banal banter. At the slightest sign that his witticisms aren’t appreciated he'll scurry off in search of another hapless member who'll indulge his purile horseshit.

The socializer is the type of insecure fool that needs constant reassurance that people’s opinion of him is the same as the one he desperately tries to project. At social gatherings the socializer seeks to inject himself into conversations by latching onto anything that may be used to refer to himself and thereby reinforce his false perception of himself in the eyes of others. On hearing the word 'gym' the socializer can proudly announce that he too goes to the gym - which is perfectly true, he does go there, he just doesn’t do anything once he gets there.

The meathead – this slab of meat’s primary purpose is to be as large and intimidating as possible in order to gain the respect he wrongfully believes he deserves. What the meathead lacks in intelligence he makes up for in physical size. He can often be found in front of the mirror frothing at the mouth, veins popping out of his head as he strains under a massive weight. However, unlike the pretender he can actually manage a full set of repetitions. After his work is done the meathead takes on the appearance of a person with a pair of invisible beachballs lodged under his armpits as he strides purposely off the gym floor safe in the knowledge that he is the envy of the rest of the members – his lack of brainpower preventing him from considering the opposite of his imagined self-image.

The cling-on – aptly named because of his penchant for attaching himself to people who exhibit the kind of characteristics he would like to display if he wasn't completely devoid of personality and lacking any will of his own. In a group of gym goers the cling-on is easily spotted as the emasculated whelp who tries to imitate the actions and traits of others from whom he desperately seeks acceptance. He initiates nothing and blindly follows whatever his heroes decide. He'll happily be the butt of a joke and laugh the hardest but will never offer more than a snigger at anyone else for fear of being ostracized. Unlike others, he'll actually do some exercise, not because he wants to but because he thinks it will gain him approval. The unfortunate paradox for the cling-on is that because he is just a shadow with no voice of his own, his presence is superfluous to the group he so desperately wants to be part of. The cling-on is the first to recognise this situation and quickly slips away to find another crowd to suck up to and ultimately be rejected by.