Spam the Spammers

Anyone with an internet account will be aware of the insidious phenomenon of spam-mail. Every week I open my hotmail account to reveal all kinds of invitations to view naked grandmothers sucking off horses, ways to reduce my debt and pills to enlarge my penis size. It's hard to believe there are so many peverted, bankrupt people with tiny dicks out there but obviously these e-mails wouldn't exist if there wasn't a market for it. Sometimes I click on the occasional mail just to get a kick out of the sick shit some people are into. For me it's not such a huge problem but more of a minor annoyance. I find the incessant commercials, billboards and other lies perpertrated by corporations such as McDonalds and KFC more offensive than spam-mail.

Since the internet is still a relatively new mechanism, government regulators around the world are only now starting to grapple with the spam problem. The relative ease of creating annonymous e-mail accounts coupled with the amount of software available to cover your tracks makes identifying spammers no easy task. It's doubtful you'll see a reduction in the amount of spam-mail you receive anytime soon. That doesn't mean you should sit idly by and accept your fate.

The same way you can buy a Mcshit t'shirt and refuse to consume the revolting trash that is McDonalds you can get pro-active about spammers. Firstly you obviously don't purchase any of the shit they are trying to dupe you with. But there is more you can do, below is a form letter aimed at spammers. If you work on the same idea that spammers do, you are hoping one sucker out of every thousand will read your crap and take it seriously. It only takes a belief in the possibility that the mail is genuine to instill fear in some fool and for them to then reconsider their spamming ways. At the very least it may give someone a good laugh.

Dear XX

Let me introduce myself. My name is XX. I am a 23 year old guy from XX. I was orphaned at the age 12 after my parents were killed in a horrific head on car collision. My father was the Partner and Director of one of the top law firms in XX. My mother was a highly respected obstetrician. As a result I inherited a significant amount of wealth which grew even larger by the time I was legally entitled to it at the age of 18. I have never held a full-time job, I am a silent partner in my father's old law firm and receive an annual 6 figure allowance. This is more than enough to sustain my less than extravagant lifestyle. Taking into account everything I inherited which includes; vast amounts of property and shares, a large amount of cash not to mention the Life Insurance policies, my net worth is somewhere in the range of US$10 million dollars. Considering my frugal lifestyle I will never have any monetary concerns for the rest of my life.

You may envy me. In fact you are probably fantasizing right now about what you would do if you had access to such wealth. Let me tell you what I do. I travel a lot, I don't mean a couple of weeks at some resort, I mean I really travel. I like to spend 2 or 3 months in a country and get a real feel for it. I travel light and stay in cheap accommodation. I conserve my money for other ventures. You see I view myself as somewhat of a philanthropist. I travel the globe looking for worthy causes to devote my time and money to. However there is a dark-side to my personality as well. Having been emotionally scarred from the death of my parents I also seek retribution on anyone I consider scum.

You may ask yourself why you need to know all this. Well, quite simply because I have identified you as scum, you consume valuable oxygen that might otherwise be used to keep someone else alive. I have deemed that you deserved to be punished because of your pathetic attempts to sell some purile horseshit via the internet. I have tracked your ISP number and have a fair indication of where you are. Remember I have a lot of time and money at my disposal so tracking you down is not a problem or an annoyance. In fact I get a greater kick out of tracking down scum like you than my other more charitable activities.

Don't worry I'm not going to kill you. Rest assured though, you will experience pain like you have never felt before. I believe the punishment should fit the crime, therefore over a period of a few hours I am going to slowly remove all your fingers with a pair of pliers so you'll never be able to type on a keyboard again. I intend to record the entire ordeal and then sell the footage to some other scum like you to make money off your misery. However I will keep your email address safe and offer you free access to the premiere.

You may try to assuage your fears by considering me as just some nutcase with too much time on his hands. However that would be careless of you. If you have any experience with mentally unstable people you would understand that once such a person becomes fixated on someone or something it is almost impossible to deter them from fulfilling what they see as their destiny.

I look forward to our meeting.

XX

Sports sycophancy

Recently I watched The Rugby Union World Cup final in a small expat pub. I'm not a big follower of Rugby Union but with not a lot planned for that Saturday night I thought a few hours of watching large men pulverise each other with some good old-fashoined pub food might be entertaining. Among the expatriate crowd were a couple of Australians, a sizeable contingent of English a smattering of disinterested Canadians and of course a large group of yanks perplexed by such a large event that didn't involve them in any way whatsoever.

England have been the form team in the years leading up to the world cup and were firm favourites going in. In the opening minutes of the game Australia hit the lead with a clever play that caught the English side offguard. Immediately there were cries of despair, heads in hands and the all too familiar line "they're going to do it again". The English have made losing into a national pastime, they are the perennial chokers of world sport. This wasn't just another game of rugby to them, there was a lot more at stake. Whether it was some delusion of national pride or fanatical behaviour wasn't clear.

I've always wondered with detached amusement what drives the obsessive sports fan. The fool standing in his seat shouting forlornly at the referee for some perceived injustice against his team is a familiar sight to anyone who's been to any type of sports arena. That a game of rugby or any game for that matter can inspire such behaviour baffles me. Is their life that empty and devoid of meaning that their moods and actions will be determined by the fortunes of their local or National team? Is it simply taking pride in where you come from? Maybe at the High School level where the players actually attend the school and no money is involved. However take another example that produces some of the worst cases of sports extremism.

Football or soccer depending on where you come from has become a truly International sport, a local team may boast several different nationalities amongst it's players. With large amounts of money to throw around a team in say, the prestigious English Premier Division, may have players from Spain, Italy, France, and Brazil to name but a few. The signing of a 'big name' player is a ritualised event. A press conference will be called announcing the parties involved, and the terms of the deal. The player will mouth platitudes (maybe via an interpreter) to the effect that he's happy to be playing for XX, affirm his confidence in the staff and administration and will do his best for the team. Of course the coach and administration will be present with stupid grins on their faces to voice similarly simplistic horeshit to the effect that their ability to throw ridiculous piles of money at a 22 year old kid from an obscure village in Brazil is justified. The obscene sums of money involved should be enough to sound alarm bells in a balanced mind. However, the gullible fans lap it up as they fantasize about a possible Premiership Victory.

Quite possibly then a fan may support his local team which is primarily made up of players not even from his country let alone from his local area. The players have no sense of history or attachment to the club they represent except for the obligatory signed contract in return for a pile of cash. If the overpaid hero doesn't perform and his team languishes he'll be ridiculed, maybe have his contract terminated and be put on the market for someone else to pick up. Not really caring as he goes off to play for someone else he doesn't know anything about. If he successfully lifts his team to new heights he'll be treated like one of their own. Ironically for the supporters, if they were to actually meet their newly adopted son, he would probably avoid them like the plaque. Afterall what do they have in common? So if it has nothing to do with pride in your roots what's it all about then? Is it the only way some can fulfill their desperate need to be heard and recognized amidst the swarm of others?

Competition has been embraced as one of those inevitable truths and applied to all areas of modern life. However competition implies a few winners and a large amount of losers and so it follows a society structured around competition will be a society of losers and a few winners. Anyone who opens there eyes long enough to the world around them can see it at work today in the widening gap between the haves and the have nots. Today's elites would have you believe this is the result of individualism asserting itself in a free market democratic society. Putting aside the the non-sequitar of free markets and democracy what they are describing is a meritocracy - a system that is pre-occupied with pushing to the fore those that have been identified as the best and marginalizing the rest of us. This leads rapidly to a narrow pyramidal social structure and then to division and widespread passivity. To a world obsessed by heroes and leadership.

It is it any wonder then, that the average citizen having been relegated to the position of a mere spectator looks to some other oulet to associate themselves with 'that winning feeling'. Abandoning any ideas of asserting some direction over their own lives they submit themselves to living vicariously through the trials and tribulations of others with no influence over the outcome. This suggests an amazing level of passivity and therefore self-loathing. For the most extreme type, the failure of their team can have dire consequences. They have invested their time, energy and unblinking faith into their heroes fortunes and been let down. Someone has to pay and so acts of vandalism, theft and violence will serve as a release valve for their frustrations.

The English won the Rugby World Cup in the final minutes of the game. Although the scoreboard didn't show it, the English side actually dominated for most of the game and were deserved winners. The reaction of their supporters was stunning. People were embracing and shaking hands, congratulating each other as though they had actually contributed in some way to the victory. It wasn't so much a celebration as a collective sigh of relief that they hadn't once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

As they broke into song and started to down copious amounts of alcohol, I amused myself with thoughts of what happens to such people after the euphoria and drunken stupa that follows, wears off. For example, the scene at work the next day of the bleary-eyed fool who wears his hangover as a badge of honour. As though some imaginary link between himself and a group of professional athletes justified his condition. The look of anger and frustration when someone innnocently inquires "was it the final yesterday?" "who won?" "who was playing again?" Unable to comprehend as the wheel of existence continues to turn unperturbed by their own chimerical epiphany. The frightening forces of reality put the significance of the victory in perspective as just another transient event. But to admit to the reality of the situation would shatter their insular world of illusion. The realization that an attachment to an event devoid of meaning and importance reflects their own banal existence is too terrifying to confront. Prefering instead to retreat into their shell of self-deception. Here they can concentrate on more important matters such as next season.