Spam the Spammers

Anyone with an internet account will be aware of the insidious phenomenon of spam-mail. Every week I open my hotmail account to reveal all kinds of invitations to view naked grandmothers sucking off horses, ways to reduce my debt and pills to enlarge my penis size. It's hard to believe there are so many peverted, bankrupt people with tiny dicks out there but obviously these e-mails wouldn't exist if there wasn't a market for it. Sometimes I click on the occasional mail just to get a kick out of the sick shit some people are into. For me it's not such a huge problem but more of a minor annoyance. I find the incessant commercials, billboards and other lies perpertrated by corporations such as McDonalds and KFC more offensive than spam-mail.

Since the internet is still a relatively new mechanism, government regulators around the world are only now starting to grapple with the spam problem. The relative ease of creating annonymous e-mail accounts coupled with the amount of software available to cover your tracks makes identifying spammers no easy task. It's doubtful you'll see a reduction in the amount of spam-mail you receive anytime soon. That doesn't mean you should sit idly by and accept your fate.

The same way you can buy a Mcshit t'shirt and refuse to consume the revolting trash that is McDonalds you can get pro-active about spammers. Firstly you obviously don't purchase any of the shit they are trying to dupe you with. But there is more you can do, below is a form letter aimed at spammers. If you work on the same idea that spammers do, you are hoping one sucker out of every thousand will read your crap and take it seriously. It only takes a belief in the possibility that the mail is genuine to instill fear in some fool and for them to then reconsider their spamming ways. At the very least it may give someone a good laugh.

Dear XX

Let me introduce myself. My name is XX. I am a 23 year old guy from XX. I was orphaned at the age 12 after my parents were killed in a horrific head on car collision. My father was the Partner and Director of one of the top law firms in XX. My mother was a highly respected obstetrician. As a result I inherited a significant amount of wealth which grew even larger by the time I was legally entitled to it at the age of 18. I have never held a full-time job, I am a silent partner in my father's old law firm and receive an annual 6 figure allowance. This is more than enough to sustain my less than extravagant lifestyle. Taking into account everything I inherited which includes; vast amounts of property and shares, a large amount of cash not to mention the Life Insurance policies, my net worth is somewhere in the range of US$10 million dollars. Considering my frugal lifestyle I will never have any monetary concerns for the rest of my life.

You may envy me. In fact you are probably fantasizing right now about what you would do if you had access to such wealth. Let me tell you what I do. I travel a lot, I don't mean a couple of weeks at some resort, I mean I really travel. I like to spend 2 or 3 months in a country and get a real feel for it. I travel light and stay in cheap accommodation. I conserve my money for other ventures. You see I view myself as somewhat of a philanthropist. I travel the globe looking for worthy causes to devote my time and money to. However there is a dark-side to my personality as well. Having been emotionally scarred from the death of my parents I also seek retribution on anyone I consider scum.

You may ask yourself why you need to know all this. Well, quite simply because I have identified you as scum, you consume valuable oxygen that might otherwise be used to keep someone else alive. I have deemed that you deserved to be punished because of your pathetic attempts to sell some purile horseshit via the internet. I have tracked your ISP number and have a fair indication of where you are. Remember I have a lot of time and money at my disposal so tracking you down is not a problem or an annoyance. In fact I get a greater kick out of tracking down scum like you than my other more charitable activities.

Don't worry I'm not going to kill you. Rest assured though, you will experience pain like you have never felt before. I believe the punishment should fit the crime, therefore over a period of a few hours I am going to slowly remove all your fingers with a pair of pliers so you'll never be able to type on a keyboard again. I intend to record the entire ordeal and then sell the footage to some other scum like you to make money off your misery. However I will keep your email address safe and offer you free access to the premiere.

You may try to assuage your fears by considering me as just some nutcase with too much time on his hands. However that would be careless of you. If you have any experience with mentally unstable people you would understand that once such a person becomes fixated on someone or something it is almost impossible to deter them from fulfilling what they see as their destiny.

I look forward to our meeting.

XX