The Starbucks experience

Caffeine is an addictive drug, stimulating the brain in a manner similar to the amphetamines cocaine and heroin. Addicts of all kinds from junkies jabbing themselves with needles to obese couch potatoes gorging themselves on chocolate do so in a desperate attempt to block out their constant feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and depression. Giving yourself a hit of caffeine is just another way to deflect the ever-present feeling of unsatisfactoriness. Among a group of coffee addicts the statement "I can't deal with anything until I have a cup of coffee in the morning" will be met with idiotic sniggers and nods of the head from like-minded fools who find reassurance in groups. The fact that people need a drug to deal with reality should raise some large questions about the society in which we live. But in our age where ignorance is celebrated such a suggestion would evoke confusion and be quickly dismissed as alarmist.

Coffee is the 2nd largest legally traded commodity behind oil in the world - it's ubiquitous nature apt for exploitation. Nestle has been inundating the general public with false images of the virtues of drinking coffee for decades. Who isn't familiar with the typical Nescafe advertisement portraying some cardboard cutout dummy wearing a cozy woollen jumper perched high on their balcony or curled up snugly on their couch with a look of orgasmic satisfaction on their face as they sip on the elixir of life?

Starbucks have taken this maudlin image one step further by creating an imaginary atmosphere where people can indulge in their fantasises of themseves as hip and happening people. A visit to any Starbucks outlet around the world reveals an almost identical store format. The beckoning aroma of freshly brewed coffee, stylish, comfortable furniture enveloped by tinted windows creating the illusion that something interesting is going on behind them. This is the perfect atmosphere for the designer label crowd to gather and tell lies to each other to reinforce their warped views of themselves.

There is a particualr type of Starbucks patron who stands out more prominently than the others. Their act centres around pretending thery're having a fabulously good time. They can be most often be spotted close to the window where they can attract the most attention. Now in the limelight they must exaggerate every bit of behaviour in an effort to gain the recognition they wrongfully believe they deserve. Tell tale signs for such gimps are forced laughs, raised voices and wild gesticulation. They try to appear to be engrossed in a humorous and interesting conversation but give themselves away by the abrupt, frequent glances around to see who's watching.

For those with more pressing concerns they can have their part of the Starbucks experience by purchasing a takeaway sample. After an exchange of idiotic grins with the barista they break into a purposeful stride clutching their styrofoam cup strategically displaying the little green starbucks symbol to let everyone know they are part of the unique club.

The ultimate irony is that while thinking their actions represent a sense of individuality the entire masquerade is one of conformity, not unlike the rebellious adolescent who dyes his hair and pierces his nose in a forlorn attempt to camouflague his relative ordinariness.

It is probably fitting to quote from one of the modern day purveyors of myths and fantasy. Scott Bedbury is the former marketing guru for Nike and Starbucks. His ideas have contributed to the afore-mentioned companies ever-increasing profit lines that are the subject of frequent mutual jack-off sessions amongst stock-market analysts and financial journalists.

"A great brand is a story that's never completely told. A brand is a metaphorical story that connects with something very deep, a fundamental appreciation of mythology. Stories create the emotional context people need to locate themselves in a larger experience".

Here you have it in a nutshell, uncomfortable with the reality of their banal existence, people look to external sources to create a false sense of self. Regardless of how fantastical, they find comfort in narrow self-serving constructs which provide them the identity they lack, the absurdity normalised through group acts of ignorance. Perhaps intentionally, Bedbury subtly overstates the existence of a 'larger experience', when all that really remains after the rhetoric and imagery is stripped away is a figment of the imagination in the minds of gullible fools.

The Online Dating Game

Thanks to the internet personal adds are no longer hidden, almost seemingly out of embarrassment, in the back pages of a newspaper. A quick visit to any of the increasing number of online dating sites will have you wading through hundreds of romantic hopefuls all looking for that 'someone special' in no time.

Of course there are other fish in the dating pond who ridicule online dating participants maintaining that such people are 'desperate' or that meeting via the internet is 'unnatural'. Assuming the moral high ground they claim to prefer meeting potential relationship partners in less contrived situations. But of course this is a romantic delusion, after all, what's natural about congregating in a sweaty crowded bar, downing a few quick drinks to gain a false sense of confidence and pretending to be someone you're not just to impress people? These are the same people who usually feign disinterest and assert that "I'm not looking at the moment" yet the instant a conversation turns to the topic of relationships you can't get a word in.

For those who take the plunge into the world of online dating the most obvious advantage is the ability to screen people. Some of these sites contain a remarkable amount of personal information on it's members - everything from physical characteristics to hobbies, likes, turn ons and ideal partner preferences, often accompanied by a photo or two. No longer is it necessary to endure being cornered in a bar by some self-adulating fool who's favourite topic is them-self or be nauseated by a face that looks like a bulldog chewing wasps.

But herein lies the trap for the naive. A quick sample of some of the innumerable profiles indicates the majority of these people are intelligent and attractive, have great personalities and possess a vast array of interests. For the skeptical it may be difficult to accept there are so many eligible candidates walking among us. This dubious situation is the inevitable result of people providing overly favourable assessments of them-selves in an attempt to deflect attention away from unseemly personal habits and/or an obvious physical flaw. But who can blame them? you're hardly going to attract people of the opposite sex by drawing attention to your lack of social skills or an unsightly protuberance where your nose should be.


It's a fair bet that those with the lowest self-esteem coupled with a burning desire to be accepted will be the one's　most prone to embellishment. The chance to completely re-create oneself is too big an opportunity for such people to pass up. So eager to discard any trace of their former selves, once seated in front of the computer screen, they actually start to assume the online persona of their alter-ego. Under the guise of their new identity, they begin the process of blanketing their target market with what constitutes a form letter, knowing that out of 50 or 100 people at least a few will be cajoled into replying..

After an unsuspecting victim has been lured with a few misleading emails arrangements are made for a meeting in the flesh. However the ability to pull off the ruse of pretending to be someone who doesn't exist is a far tougher　assignment in real life. Regardless the outcome of the initial meeting a relationship based on such false pretences is ultimately doomed to fail. The amount of lies necessary to prevent any semblance of your real personality from surfacing is multiplied by the need to constantly tell more lies to back up the original ones. This exhausting process is bound to take its toll with the end result being an obliteration of the alter-ego and an even lower self-esteem as the fraud is revealed.

Even in the event that a person with a penchant for gross exaggeration meets someone with the same affliction, their desperation to pass themselves off as desirable will prevent them from recognizing in the other what they themselves deep down yearn for - that they just want to be liked and accepted for who they really are.

No doubt there are genuine people who don’t feel the need to lie about themselves and have turned to the internet because they are tired of the conventional dating channels and the frequent encounters with desperados, dropouts and the socially inept. Unfortunately, online dating lends itself more naturally to those with the predisposition for lies and exaggeration. Below are a few recommendations to help potential e-daters obviate the frustration of meeting yet another whacko that you would normally cross the street to avoid.

1) Ignore people who sound far too up-beat – “Hi I’m Dave, an outgoing guy with a great personality and wonderful sense of humour”. (This means most Americans will be automatically eliminated)

2) Exclude people who claim to have a wide variety of interests to disguise how boring they really are – “I enjoy hiking, roller-blading, car-racing, horseback riding, movies, tennis, yoga, meditation, reading, cooking, candlelight dinners and beekeeping”. The truth is they probably have participated in all these activities albeit vicariously through other people’s experiences or the TV.

3) Watch for the following tell-tale phrases;

“I’m looking for someone who likes to have fun” = I’m being as vague as possible so I don’t exclude anyone.

“I’m looking for someone who can be my best friend” = I’m just trying to come across as a sensitive type to conceal my ulterior motives (IWANT TO GET LAID!)

“I’m looking for someone romantic and caring” = I'm a couch potato who watches far too many soapies and has a warped idea of relationships.

Remember, there are exceptions to every rule, the above are just rough guidelines designed to minimize your chances of meeting a complete oddball. However, if you are seriously considering dipping your toes into the murky waters of online dating, the reality is you probably possess your fair share of idiosyncrasies and therefore you should temper your expectations accordingly.